Breaking the Silence: The Story Behind My Necklace

If you’ve seen me lately (which is unlikely, because I’m a shut-in), you may have noticed this necklace. I wear it almost every day. It’s a simple circle with the phrase “Too beautiful for Earth” stamped around the edges.
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You may think to yourself: Wow. She is so full of herself. She really thinks she’s too beautiful for Earth? Come on! I mean, I hope you don’t think that. I would, probably, but don’t be me.

Last February, Taylor and I found out some very exciting news. We were pregnant! And then…we weren’t. We lost our little baby pretty quickly (only a couple of weeks after we found out); it was a lot of emotions, and shock, and blegh. We took some time to recover; we moved on.

Last May, Taylor and I found out some very exciting news…again. We were pregnant…again! We prayed a lot, and reminded ourselves daily that 33% of women miscarry, but not too many miscarry twice in a row. We prayed and prayed and prayed. We heard the heartbeat. We got an ultrasound picture. And at the end of June, well, we weren’t pregnant…again. And we cried. Anger, sadness, anger again. More blegh. Blegh. Blegh. Blegh. Blegh. (No really, a lot of blegh!) Some close friends gently reminded me that “maybe it isn’t the right time.” I wanted to punch their faces off. But we recovered; we moved on.

April 2016, we found out some very exciting news…again. We were pregnant…again. Cautiously excited, we kept our hopes up. We fell in love with our little sweet pea. A few weeks after we found out (about 6 weeks pregnant), I woke up to searing pain in my abdomen. After nearly twelve hours in the ER, and two weeks of waiting, we learned with 100% certainty that little sweet pea went back to Heaven too.

My wonderful mom shared with me this poem after our third loss:

An Angel in the book of life
wrote down my baby’s birth,
and whispered as she closed the book
“too beautiful for the Earth.”

And I needed that. Taylor had the last line stamped on a necklace, and I wear it always.

We’re now officially a statistic. We are the 1% of healthy couples with recurrent pregnancy loss. I’m not writing this for attention or to show off my unedited not-great English skills, but to break the silence. No one talks about miscarriage, but they should. Because you know the thing that helped me through three miscarriages more than anything else? Talking about it. And especially talking about it with people who have gone through it too.

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Back to School Again

School seems to be never ending for me. We took a semester off for our big move. I got into BYU…again, but it seems like a lot of extra work for what? The same degree from a different school? I don’t believe too much in the idea that BYU is the best school ever no matter what. Especially since US News rates USU higher than BYU in my field (Speech-language Pathology). Just sayin’. So, I rejected BYU’s acceptance, and I’m continuing my education through USU’s distance education program. I’m an Aggie all the way!

That being said, school can be hard! I know grades “don’t matter,” and “C’s get degrees,” but I hold myself to a higher standard. This isn’t necessarily a good thing, because it adds an extra layer of stress. Anyway, as of now, I’m studying Communicative Disorders, and I’m really enjoying it so far!

Our 2015

January: 

We began a new semester at Utah State University.

We attended a wedding for our friends Josh & Hannah.

January

February:

We traveled to Portland to see our beautiful niece’s blessing. (Unfortunately, my pictures of Cora were lost😦 )

We celebrated Valentine’s Day with a nice dinner at home.February1

March:

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April:

I was given the birthday trip of a lifetime! We had a super fun staycation in Salt Lake City! (Oh, and this lobster landed me in the hospital…#allergic)

I won an award at work for being an awesome boss, of course.😉

April

May:

Holly graduated!

Taylor’s mom came to visit for his birthday (his best present ever!)

May

June:

Summer lovin’ and fun!

June

July:

I got Bell’s Palsy, so half my face was paralyzed for a while… (you can kinda tell in the picture below)

We traveled to Libby, Montana (Taylor’s hometown), and absolutely loved every second of it! Especially spending time with Drad, Stuart, Jenny, and ittle little Cora!July4

 

August:

We celebrated our 3rd anniversary!

We MOVED to Provo! It was a difficult decision. We kept praying and receiving an answer: the move was what we should do. But it was such a shot in the dark, that we weren’t sure if or how it would work out. But it did it, and we are happier than ever.

I began working at a preschool, and Taylor began his job at Verizon.

We LOVE being closer to family🙂

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Cousin time!

September:

We bought a car! Taylor cares quite a lot about our new Avenger. Guys and cars. You know how they be.

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October:

Taylor got a raise! He’s awesome.

 

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November:

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family.

November

December:

Merry Christmas! We loved 2015. It had a lot of ups and downs. It was probably our hardest year yet in terms of trials, but it brought us a lot closer. We really love each other, and are grateful for our little family. Thank you, friends, for helping us, supporting us, and rooting for us through it all. We love you! Here’s to a new year!

December

The Shaved Side

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I know my hairstyle isn’t very conservative; it doesn’t seem to match my personality or my belief system, but I really like it. It’s unique, and I love that. Plus, people keep saying, “I love that look! I wish I was brave enough to do that.” It’s nice knowing that I was “brave enough.”

I’m not one of those people that say “If you don’t like it, then too bad.” I don’t believe that. If you don’t like it, I understand! I understand that it can be weird and off-putting (especially in the religious community that most of my family and friends are a part of). But I like it, and Taylor LOVES it, so I’m pretty happy with my not-so-timeless ‘do.

A Simple Testimony

With trials and tribulations, I sometimes feel bogged down. I feel heavy with worries, fears, stress, jealousy, and/or other unwelcoming feelings. As I struggled through another weighty week, I felt the need to go to the temple. I asked a friend (my very dear friend, Jessica) to come along, and we planned to go on Thursday. On Wednesday, we decided it wouldn’t hurt to invite a few more people to join us (also very very dear friends). I was doubtful that with school, work, etc. any of them would be able to come. But to my surprise, every single person we invited was able to join us in the house of the Lord.

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I’m so grateful for such wonderful, strong, and inspirational friends. They lift me and help me through trying times. I am so grateful for Temples. I love the peace that they bring. I love the Gospel. And I truly believe in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe that the prophets and apostles leading the Church are called of God. I’m grateful for my testimony.

Where are we?

I’ve started this blog so that friends and family from all over can keep tabs on us😉 I know I already have a blog, but it got bogged down with nonsense and kind of commercialized into garbage. Plus, I’ve grown a lot since then, and I don’t like the vain posts I had in the beginning. I just wanted a place to simply write about my life with my best friend.

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We’re cute🙂

Taylor and I have made some big changes! For one thing, we moved from Logan to Provo. A lot of thought and prayer went into this decision, and we can’t believe how blessed we’ve been since the move.

Taylor is now a Verizon guy. He’s making sales and taking names! Is that a proper play on the phrase? In any case, he’s rocking it! He really enjoys it, too, so that’s a big plus. I’m a preschool teacher and loving the absolute insanity. “Teacher Muh-kole! You have polka dots on your face!” Thanks kid. I’m also continuing my education at Utah State in Communicative Disorders. I’m very excited to see where this degree (WHEN I get it) will take me.

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I have tiny friends…I love my job!

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Us with our new car!


 

We also made our first big, fat, huge, grown-up purchase (a 2014 Dodge Avenger). We named him Captain Winters after the guy in Band of Brothers. It may seem like nothing short of a downright shame that we didn’t name our Avenger after an Avenger, but, well, meh.

We’ve been through some rough stuff this past year. But we keep moving forward. We know that with hard work, patience, and faith, all will be well.

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